I tend to go back and forth on this site. Now I basically use it for likes and interesting posts. But I think it’s time I contribue my usual bull shit to the blog world.
The year has gone by fast. 2013 is practically here. I feel nothing but good vibes. Like this is the year a lot more will change for me in a non negative way. All my negative factors are out the window and I have no intention of looking back any more. This year is going to be about my change, how I want it, and when I want it. And now more than ever is when I’ll be making things happen.
I slacked a lot the past few years. 2012 was my breaking point. After losing my grandmother and many things after, I gain some perspective on a few things in my life. Such as the company I keep. I moved out here to Port St. Lucie with the intent of relinquishing my social life and finally gaining some room to grow. It’s time to make that happen. Any friends I have now I hold dear as they’ve been in my life for a while. All others may come and go for all I care, they’re the last concern on my mind.
As of recently, I’ve acquired a guitar in which I stopped practicing the last week. I’m hoping to get better in 2013 and intend on teaching myself how to play it. School will definitely happen later on, and I’ll go full force and not give up. I know what I want to do with my life and I’m giving it all I’ve got until my last breath.
My family will also be something I’ll hold closer more than ever. I can’t promise to be any kinder to them than I ususally am, my emotions pick the appropriate time to show face, but they will know they’re loved.
2013 will be a good year.
Today is July 10th, 2012. It is 11:01 am and I’m working out of a property that I could honestly give two shits about. There’s a lot going on in my life that I couldn’t care less for. And instead of doing something about it, I’m working out of a property that I could honestly give two shits about, on Tuesday July 10th, 2012 at 11:01 am.
I don’t get to post here a lot like I used to. I enjoyed my time on here when I did, I find that writing my thoughts help me to deal with whatever the issue is. Pointless and stupid as it may be to post these thoughts and feelings on social media, I still find some level of comfort in expressing myself to the community of Tumblr users in the event that they too may relate to me.
As for right now my life is good. Nothing is bad, just complicated. There are things that can be improved, things that I can do without, and things that I just haven’t wrapped my head around yet. I have a boyfriend now and that’s cool but it’s a whole bunch of stuff that I’m not even sure I’m prepared for. So while I wait to see what happens there and prepare myself for sacrifices I’ll need to make, I turn cranky and lose all control of my emotions. Feeling a sense of anger and insecurity, I don’t have a clue how I’m gonna pull through this time.
Today I miss my grandmother, a lot. The skies are beautiful outside, and all I can think of is how much I miss her. Just being in her presence, surrounded with her love, and knowing nothing else but what it’s like to be loved by the best person chosen by God to love me as her grandson. Life is unfair in that way, your most cherished memories become your moments of weeping over this sadness that almost never goes away but can remain dormant for what feels like an eternity. I know if my grandmother was here and she met my boyfriend that she’d like him dearly. She would be proud and happy for me and he would be just another one of her questions to ask about when we get to talking on the phone. She’d ask me if I’d eaten and how my sister is. She’d tell me her day, what she’s doing, and always remind me to be careful in the streets.
I can’t say I feel that life has gotten better since her passing. I just know that a lot of things in the dark have taken a new place in the light and nothing from before is as it seems now. It’s all about change now and the crappy thing about change is that when it does come there’s no preparing for it, no turning back, and no second chances.
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here. Perhaps too long. Who knows? A friend told me October. I don’t even remember what might’ve been going on around then. I just know I’m still a silent, dormant, yet active member of the Tumblr community.
So in October I dressed up as Superman for Halloween which I enjoyed. I’m not much of a comic guy but I’ve always had a thing for Superman. Perhaps cause he’s a hunky dude, but on the other aspect of that because he’s friggen Superman! He has all these awesome abilities and he can fly and he has super strength, I mean who wouldn’t wanna be him.
November I was probably dealing with drama but nothing worth posting about, I’ve learned my lesson from that.
December was an interesting month. Not much that I can recall, but the one part of December that I’ll always remember is the ending of it.
My abuela hadn’t been doing too well months prior to that. She was in and out of the hospital since the summer ever since she came to FL. I miss her everyday. She passed away on February 2nd, at 10:30pm in Calvary Hospital. She’d been there for what I wanna say was close to a month. I wasn’t there, I wish I was though, she had a tough time towards the end. She was amazing.
That whole transition wasn’t the easiest, and I still find myself dealing with some anger and resentment from it. It’s hard to have the world full of people you live for and care about but when someone so close to you is nearing the end, you’ll find yourself more alone than ever. If it weren’t for a lot of things I’d learned from my abuela I’d probably be more vocal in my bitterness towards those I loved most. One thing I’ll share with you all that I learned from her is to be open to forgiveness.
From that experience I had dropped my smoking weed habits and moved on to cigarettes. I quit for a week or two not so long ago, but a bad dream later and many questions of where my life is headed now that she’s gone opened that box of Marlboro Menthol Lights for me again. It’s hard. I have another abuela in Puerto Rico whom I still love, but my NY abuela was the one I grew up with. She’d pick my sister and I up from school, and even after elementary school was over I’d still visit her in my high school years. Days off I’d take a walk from my house to hers, always calling her before arriving asking if she needed anything from outside or if she had eaten anything. Maybe once or twice she took me up on that offer with soda. She loved her soda, of course she drank water and coffee as well but don’t you dare try to trick her with diet soda for her diabetes, she was smarter than any of us were prepared for. She was a true fighter and I’ll always stay up and learn from her life lessons.
So now I’m in the patio. Still working full time at a job that I love but can sometimes find stressful in the smallest of aspects, making a year in April/June. Hopefully I can return to school in the summer, but if not I’m hoping I’ll receive a raise and can save up money to diminish my student loans and return with a clean slate. Of course I still want to major in theater but that can wait until I get my experience in the small town part of the world, otherwise known as Port St. Lucie.
Life hasn’t been the easiest for me in the past few years, as of recently it’s gotten harder. And although I feel alone in this now more than ever, I’m determined to make something of myself and live to a ripe old age with hopefully more successes than failures.
Ever feel like no matter how hard you try your best at something to perfect it, that it’s just doomed to never work?
I must feel that way a good portion of my day.
Whether it be at work, at home, or in my general life.
It’s stupid and idiotic but I honestly do not feel good enough for anyone. If I was good at work, I’d get promoted to full time and someone would actually pick me to stay in one place. Instead I get tossed around like a kid going through the difficulties of a divorce.
If I was good enough at home, I’d be a lot slimmer than what I am now and I wouldn’t have to constantly hear of new diets my mother has been looking for.
& if I was any good in my personal relationships with the “friends” I have, I’d have them all somewhat involved in my life wanting to see me instead of me having to go see them. Which actually just dawned upon me now that I’m not going to NY for them. I’ll see my two girls who actually come to visit me. Fuck the rest. I don’t say that in a fucked up way but it’s the truth.
Then I make the most dumbest decision with a boy while under the influence. That’s probably my biggest regret and I try so hard not to have any regrets.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life but I do wanna get it back together. I know exactly where I fell off and it’s completely unacceptable. For me to feel as bad as I’ve felt for one person is something I promised I’d never do again.
So whoever here is a prayer, please pray for me. I could use it.
You know when you think you understand life because things are going good? And then something bad happens and you’re just lost again? That’s me right now. Nothing bad happens in moderation, it all happens at once.
It’s crazy how you can have plenty of friends and still feel alone. Like not a single one of them can understand the pain it is being you. I’ve been looking for one person to confide all my inner feelings to and I think it’s just time to give up on that dream. Having it before and having it now are two different things that will never happen again. So I’m never gonna have the picture perfect family, I’m never gonna get along with anyone, I’m never gonna have someone to look up to. It’s just me and it sucks. To think, many moons ago people were coming to me to fix whatever issues they had. Now I can’t go to anyone without feeling like a bother.
I really wanna get out of the East coast. Let everything die out like it should and start fresh. I can then forget about my past and the people who abandoned me for other more relevant people. I am so emotionally exhausted, I’m honestly just gonna do everything opposite and PRAY that that’ll get me somewhere.
Maybe if I disappear everyone will just stop blaming me for something. Nothing I do is good enough and even the smallest effort gets me nowhere. I’m completely alone and I think it’s time I really dealt with that.
where guys fall in love with you 2 days after you two have started talking and the reality of meeting a real and decent guy out here are far from possible -_-